I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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