I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
