dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
