I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
