There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish my penis had an off switch
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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