And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
