i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
