her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
