Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
