cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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