So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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