Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
