I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
