I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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