did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we should paint friendship bongs
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