our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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