she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
