My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
