Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
