You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
