In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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