HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
