you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
