I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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