smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
