There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
