the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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