why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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