Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
