Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
