I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
