Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
