my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Your penis caused this!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
