Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
