im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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