apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
