I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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