You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
