This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
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I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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