And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
