Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
