I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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