hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
