I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
