I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
