I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
