He passed out mid-signature
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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