I hate your face
dude i'm inner monologue high
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
