I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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