He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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