god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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