please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
