No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
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I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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