my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
