My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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